NO BONUS V/VI

By JAKOB SNOREWELL

I II III IV

And then it happened, when I suddenly remembered, from all the Bono scheißstock we involuntarily keep in our heads and from the myriad of bad jokes my friends and I had made about it, none but the South Park episode where a perfect rendering of Bono –looking like a carbon copy of how he does at that very moment– temporarily impedes Randy Marsh (another unimportant character, like Bono) to remain holder of the world record for the largest bowel movement (which means, yes, he has dropped the biggest crap-pile in the history of the fever to keep records on world records) and demand the title back to him after interrupting the official awarding ceremony –held by the American govern- ment on the lawns of the white house– and coprophilias/ phobias apart maybe the funniest part comes when Bono's own pirate TV signal appears onto the two huge screens showing the ceremony over the heads of a cheering crowd and he says, "Hello, I'm Bono" and the mere sound of his name seems to be attached, and followed, by a mini video edit –really just a couple of seconds long– of apparently all of those Bono images we've had to see over and over for the burnzillionth time and over, as the fly, the cowboy, the space guy, the upside-down dude, along the Pope, Greenpeace, Gorbachev, Bishop Tutu, Winnie Mandela, Mother Theresa, George Bush, Lula Da Silva, The Queen, Sting –you name it!– and always behind the glasses (for he says "he's allergic to flashes”, he-he, "he's got very sensitive eyes") in pink, yellow, baby-blue et cetera, and, because I remember in the end of the show it turns out Bono had set the record in 1960, his year of birth, and through an outlandish South Parkish twist we learn Bono is actually a turd (I like much better the word kakkewurstli) which has being raised as a boy, being that the ultimate reason why through all his life, in spite of his reach of fame and the performing of all his humanitarian campaigns, he's been able to remain looking "like such a piece of shit" (!) and I thought of telling him –as the elevator started breaking for his exit on the sixth– "You were great in South Park!"